“I need your help”. While it seems so easy, my younger self couldn’t utter those four simple words. Why was it so hard to ask for help? Looking back on my academic experience and early career I was rewarded for my individual achievements. When I was promoted into management I thought that I had to have all of the answers. I thought that I needed to be an expert in all areas concerning my function. I thought that I had to solve all of the problems that impacted myself and my team. I was dead wrong.
Everyone needs help
I have a distinct memory from many years back when a colleague of mine took me aside and asked me how she could help. She recognized that I was floundering and saw how stressed I was. Unfortunately, I rebuffed her efforts as I naively thought I could handle the situation and I didn’t trust her intentions. This was a mistake and a massive failure on my part. My reserved and stubborn mentality was forged in my childhood. I had a permanent chip on my shoulder after being repeatedly told I could never do anything right. This was deeply embedded into my value system and gave me an unlimited amount of energy and drive to prove people wrong. It also hampered my growth along the way as I was too prideful and guarded to ask for help. The bigger the hole I dug, the harder I believed I needed to work to climb out of it. I was dead wrong.
My own turning point was reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. I realized that I was too closed off. I needed to share my challenges with others and be more transparent about my own fears. Shedding my armour and being vulnerable was a sign of strength and not weakness. This wasn’t easy for someone that had to hide his feelings for most of his childhood. It’s still something I struggle with but I’ve realized that asking for help shows that you care. Asking for help shows that you trust others. Asking for help raises your stature rather than lowering it. Asking for help is the best way to grow to greater heights both personally and professionally.
How I’ve exposed my own limitations and foster a culture of seeking help
I still struggle with my inner demons of self-sufficiency but I’ve tried to put rituals and processes in place to expose my own blindspots and where I need help, to forge trusted relationships that make it easier to seek help, and to push my team to help each other. Here are a few of these tactics:
I’ve taken the CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) assessment to understand my own strengths and limitations. I did this assessment with my team so I know their strengths and can leverage the areas that they are more proficient in instead of trying to tackle the problem myself. This saves me time and frustration and provides opportunities for others to shine.
I’ve learned from Peter Drucker’s Managing Oneself that I need advisors who I can bounce ideas off of. This leads to more sensible approaches and better-formed ideas. This isn’t a sign of weakness.
I have a weekly journal where I reflect on the week and ask difficult questions such as “What is bugging me and why?”. This forces me to think about who can help me with this challenge. At the very least, I have labeled how I feel and I can act on that feeling.
I spend 1-2 hours planning out my week which includes detailing out where I need help. I outline who is in the best position to help me. If I don’t know where to go to I rely on my colleagues or executives to discuss my challenges. Part of my weekly planning is detailing out what I want to discuss with my manager. Managing up is critical to this process. I also consider a trusted network of friends and fellow leaders who I can turn to when I need advice. They are more than happy to help.
I seek out feedback from my team. This can be via surveys or just asking pointed questions during our meetings. When issues are presented we discuss what are possible solutions and I look to my team to help solve them. I then consider who outside of our team can assist.
I encourage my team to help each other. Part of this is hiring people that have a high degree of humility but I also create opportunities that bring people together. I focus on removing the barriers to getting to know each other better which leads to higher trust. This includes taking time to ask personal questions about each other and having themed game nights. I’m also experimenting with different concepts such as internal office hours with the purpose of asking each other for help. I want it to be second nature for my team to seek assistance from each other - especially as we’re all remote.
We use tools to expose our challenges and to give shoutouts to those that helped us. We leverage Geekbot that is like a virtual stand-up. The team answers a series of questions via Slack that we can all see and we discuss some of the challenges in our team meetings.
I develop relationships with people across our company. Trust is critical for seeking assistance. Building trusted relationships have become something that is important to me. I can definitely do better here. As part of my weekly planning, I make sure that I meet with 1-2 people outside of my department so I can better understand what is going on outside of my world and look for opportunities to help them. I provided one example here.
Even with these practices in place I can revert back to my past tendencies and it’s a battle that I continue to wage. My journaling and reflection help keep my balance. This has resulted in improving my overall leadership style and my relationships with friends and family.
If you have similar challenges remember that you aren’t alone. The first thing that you can do is recognize the problem and then working on ways to combat it.